Battle of the Bulge

This is my last week of maternity leave, well, actually my last three days as I go back on Thursday - an event that I'm actually dreading a bit. It was my choosing, going back on Thursday instead of next Monday as originally planned (I didn't want to start on a Monday), but that doesn't escape the fact that my days spent snuggling my little boy all day long are over. To make matters worse, now my husband's new work schedule takes effect meaning that we will never again except by a fluke have a weekend together where neither of us is working. It's sad really. No family trips to the zoo, no more Sunday family dinners with my parents, not even family trips to the grocery store... Oh, the luxuries that money provides! If we had the money for only one of us to work, it would be great, but there is no use crying over something that is not even a remote possibility. Not without both of us changing jobs, which may end up happening anyway if we can't make our current schedules work. Alas, that is a topic that provides endless fodder for griping, and therefore I shall leave it at that for now.

What is really preoccupying my mind these days is trying to maintain my health. Since Owen's birth I've been hovering in a kind of nervous limbo state about when my symptoms will return, and going back to work just makes it more nerve-wracking. Due to the fact that I'm breastfeeding Owen, I am not on any medication since none are approved while pregnant or nursing. I'm already exhausted just from Owen's routine of frequent eating, diaper changes, and crying spells, and now I get to add working full time into the mix. To say that I'm nervous about relapsing is an understatement - I'm terrified. The only good thing if it happens this year is that my treatment would be free since I've already spent my deductible and my out-of-pocket maximum for my insurance. The particulars of dealing with a relapse are part of what worries me - I won't be able to hold my son with an IV in my arm for a week, let alone feed him, clothe him, change him. I'll most likely have to work that week in a drugged haze since all of my PTO has been used up on leave, and I can only hope that I'll be able to get something done one armed and drugged. And then there is the specter of not knowing what symptoms my relapse will be - it could be anything from tingling to blindness to paralysis!  Just thinking about it sends my stress level into dangerous territory, so on the whole I'm trying not to worry even though it is my default state.


The cause of my new worries. I'd say he's worth it.

To make matters worse, my husband keeps bugging me about the baby weight. I have maybe 10-15 pounds more than I did before, which is not that much, but it's apparently enough for me to be nagged about. Frankly, I'm not concerned as it took nine months to put on so I'm giving myself nine months to take it off - that means until March 2014. In the last three months I've lost 25 pounds, so it's not like I still look like I'm in the third trimester. Owen and I go for a walk around Green Lake (which round trip from our apartment is about 3 miles) once a week. I eat healthfully and in moderation, I'm trying to stay hydrated and well rested, and for me that is enough right now. I just wish it would be enough for him... Women get enough hounding about our bodies from society alone that we don't need our closest allies joining the chorus. It took a long time for me to be comfortable with my body and I don't need someone placing little seeds of self-doubt back into my head. I appreciate that it's done out of a position of caring about my health, but right now my neurological health and sanity are bigger issues. For my height I am considered overweight, but just barely (my current BMI is 26.6, overweight is considered 25-29.9). Before the pregnancy I was at the upper end of normal anyway. As part of recovering from the C-section, I not allowed to exercise for the first 6 weeks - which translates into 1.5 months! I just wish that he'd let me take the lead for now. If Owen's first birthday comes and I've not made any progress then he can bug me about it, but until then I just wish he'd keep his mouth shut on the subject.