Battle of the Bulge

This is my last week of maternity leave, well, actually my last three days as I go back on Thursday - an event that I'm actually dreading a bit. It was my choosing, going back on Thursday instead of next Monday as originally planned (I didn't want to start on a Monday), but that doesn't escape the fact that my days spent snuggling my little boy all day long are over. To make matters worse, now my husband's new work schedule takes effect meaning that we will never again except by a fluke have a weekend together where neither of us is working. It's sad really. No family trips to the zoo, no more Sunday family dinners with my parents, not even family trips to the grocery store... Oh, the luxuries that money provides! If we had the money for only one of us to work, it would be great, but there is no use crying over something that is not even a remote possibility. Not without both of us changing jobs, which may end up happening anyway if we can't make our current schedules work. Alas, that is a topic that provides endless fodder for griping, and therefore I shall leave it at that for now.

What is really preoccupying my mind these days is trying to maintain my health. Since Owen's birth I've been hovering in a kind of nervous limbo state about when my symptoms will return, and going back to work just makes it more nerve-wracking. Due to the fact that I'm breastfeeding Owen, I am not on any medication since none are approved while pregnant or nursing. I'm already exhausted just from Owen's routine of frequent eating, diaper changes, and crying spells, and now I get to add working full time into the mix. To say that I'm nervous about relapsing is an understatement - I'm terrified. The only good thing if it happens this year is that my treatment would be free since I've already spent my deductible and my out-of-pocket maximum for my insurance. The particulars of dealing with a relapse are part of what worries me - I won't be able to hold my son with an IV in my arm for a week, let alone feed him, clothe him, change him. I'll most likely have to work that week in a drugged haze since all of my PTO has been used up on leave, and I can only hope that I'll be able to get something done one armed and drugged. And then there is the specter of not knowing what symptoms my relapse will be - it could be anything from tingling to blindness to paralysis!  Just thinking about it sends my stress level into dangerous territory, so on the whole I'm trying not to worry even though it is my default state.


The cause of my new worries. I'd say he's worth it.

To make matters worse, my husband keeps bugging me about the baby weight. I have maybe 10-15 pounds more than I did before, which is not that much, but it's apparently enough for me to be nagged about. Frankly, I'm not concerned as it took nine months to put on so I'm giving myself nine months to take it off - that means until March 2014. In the last three months I've lost 25 pounds, so it's not like I still look like I'm in the third trimester. Owen and I go for a walk around Green Lake (which round trip from our apartment is about 3 miles) once a week. I eat healthfully and in moderation, I'm trying to stay hydrated and well rested, and for me that is enough right now. I just wish it would be enough for him... Women get enough hounding about our bodies from society alone that we don't need our closest allies joining the chorus. It took a long time for me to be comfortable with my body and I don't need someone placing little seeds of self-doubt back into my head. I appreciate that it's done out of a position of caring about my health, but right now my neurological health and sanity are bigger issues. For my height I am considered overweight, but just barely (my current BMI is 26.6, overweight is considered 25-29.9). Before the pregnancy I was at the upper end of normal anyway. As part of recovering from the C-section, I not allowed to exercise for the first 6 weeks - which translates into 1.5 months! I just wish that he'd let me take the lead for now. If Owen's first birthday comes and I've not made any progress then he can bug me about it, but until then I just wish he'd keep his mouth shut on the subject.

Half Way Through

As I sit here writing, Owen is exactly 1.5 months old, which means that I am exactly half way through my maternity leave. At some points it seems like it will never end - like when I'm home alone with him and he won't stop screaming and it will be hours before I get any relief, while at other points it not surprisingly feels like it has flown by. I've definitely lost my mental acuity for things like what day it is, when I last fed or changed the baby, when I last took a shower, etc, and getting back to a more normal routine will be a welcome change if for no other reason than to have some more variety in my daily life. On the other hand, no parent worth their salt really enjoys being away from their child when they are growing and developing so rapidly. I'll be going back to work just as all the exciting firsts are about to happen - crawling, talking, eating solid foods. Owen has always been a very strong little boy, moving his head on his own since day 1, but head control (while an important building block to greater movements) is not the wow factor milestone. I have been here for his first non-bowel related smile and some of the first giggles, but I can't help but feel I'll be missing out.

For a country that likes to proclaim how pro-family our values are, as a society we do very little to support new families. Paid maternity leave is a rarity and paternity leave is even rarer. While well-child preventative care visits are generally paid for by insurance, the cost of that insurance is often overwhelming for young families. No shock that the majority of people on state assistance medical insurance are children as the young parents are not financially stable enough to self insure. Upon reflection of the costs of having a child, it seems as if we have decided to put as many economic pressures as possible on young people to dissuade them from reproducing. This tactic fails of course, but it does set up children for failure unless they come from well-to-do families, which in turn allows us to further denigrate the poor for making poor choices and furthering the poverty cycle.

As is the case in so many areas of societal life, we make rules and institutions that support our ideal circumstances at the expense of the reality. Take funding for the ever controversial Planned Parenthood. Many conservatives don't want it to receive any federal funding because they offer abortion services under the belief that funding it encourages it. I can understand that sentiment, but then you need to direct those funds to social services to 1) provide care to those women who are being denied safe abortions, 2) provide care for those children that are either abandoned into the system or taken away from unfit mothers, and 3) educated on pregnancy prevention in more ways than just abstinence. Sadly, none of these things happen because the argument is made that funding for women's health care in general will ultimately allow private funds to be diverted to cover the abortions. This only results in worse health care for women out of a fear that a perfectly legal procedure may be done. The same thing goes for mental health - it is as if funding it encourages instead of prevents. How does all of this relate back to paid maternity/paternity leave? Well, if we were to have federally mandated leave to allow bonding as a family, that would mean that all families are of equal value to society, instead of just those families with wealth and power. It is too egalitarian to treat each family unit as an asset; we instead see them as economic drains on society unless they are corporate elites.

The Son has Arrived!

It's been a little while since I've posted anything, mainly because nothing much was happening other than waiting around for the baby. Lucky for me, he decided to come early at 39 weeks. A healthy, happy, so far perfect little man with a full head of dark wavy hair. My husband was instantly smitten and has been super wonderful so far, grinning from ear to ear and willing to help out as much as possible. I ended up needing to have him via C-section and therefore haven't been too mobile after the surgery, so the new daddy has been the one to get up in the night to bring me the baby to nurse and to do all the heavy lifting (I'm restricted to no more than the baby's weight).

Stats: Owen Arthur Phillips, born May 1, 2013 at Swedish First Hill, 6 lbs 9oz at I believe 17.5 inches but I don't actually know that for sure.

Details of the labor if you want them:

What was supposed to be a minimal intervention labor and delivery turned into a C-section after labor stalled for 6 hours... which turned out to be a good thing in the end because there was a problem with the placenta that would have made a vaginal delivery almost impossible had we kept trying.

The labor itself didn't turn out how I had planned, but rarely do you have any real control over that sort of thing. Last Monday I went to the doctor because I had been seeing spots and had a headache. This resulted in some labs being drawn and me getting put on bed rest for the rest of the week, which bummed me out. It was supposed to be my last week at work and I didn't want to waste the PTO sitting at home watching tv. We went back to the doctor on Tuesday to go over the labs and to recheck my blood pressure, which was better but still high for me. I went home, put my feet up, and waited thinking it could be a long week ahead or more if the baby was late. Luckily I didn't have to wait that long. At about 6pm that night contractions started, getting to one ever 5 minutes or so by 10:30, and me vomiting with them by 11pm. That was our sign to head to the hospital. Our boy was on his way. We arrived by 11:30-11:45ish and prepared ourselves for the upcoming task.

The vomiting at home should have been a sign that it wouldn't be the last. I threw up multiple times the first few hours until they had given me enough anti-nausea meds to make it stop and even then I felt on edge. Labor hastened for the next 3-4 hours, until it just seemed to stop progressing. We arrived at triage dilated to a 4/10, and at about 4 am had only made it to a 7/10. I was getting this intense burning sensation in my lower back and hips. I've been describing it as having to red hot pokers twisting in on either side. It just wouldn't relent, so I "gave in" at about 7 am and asked for an epidural, as the IV pain meds (fentanyl) was not doing the trick. Despite my reservations about it, in the end it was the right decision as it allowed us to see that there was another issue at work.

The epidural worked pretty quickly and completely for the first 2 hours; I could hardly tell I was even having contractions anymore. Things seemed to be working out better, that is until my blood pressure and the baby's blood pressure dropped. The time it took for them to stabilize the both of us used up the initial bolus of meds that was working so well. When that wore off and it was down to the pump, only half of me was numb. They had to readjust the catheter to fix it, but that only solved the problem of my pain - labor was still not progressing. They tried to hasten it by giving me some Pitocin to make the contractions stronger, but instead it just made baby's heart blood pressure and heart rate drop resulting me resting for two hours on my side with an oxygen mask to stabilize him.  Each time they tried again, or tried changing my position by rolling, baby's vitals would drop again. I was really hoping to avoid C-section but even I could see that it was necessary. So after being in labor for almost 18 hours, I was wheeled into the OR and 15 minutes later had a crying baby boy. It is surprising how fast the procedure is; it took longer to stitch me up than it did to release him.

The next 48 hours were spent confined to a hospital post partum recovery room - the first 24 of those confined to bed entirely. We had a steady stream of family visitors all coming to see our little cutie while I was all drugged out and disheveled in bed. Friday mid afternoon we were able to go home, which my husband was anxious to do. I, on the other hand, was not in as big of a rush. We made it home and through our first few nights alone as a new little family. Little Owen is now almost 6 days old and just as cute as can be. I'm slowing healing. The first day home I felt like someone had beaten me up on top of the surgical pain. Now most of the soreness has retreated but I'm still moving more than I should, which is resulting in the occasional abdominal twinge and grimace of pain. I just need to remind myself to rest and to not get so involved in trying to help out that I over do it.

 

Bumps in the Road

I try to not use this venue to just vent, but today feels like a good day to do so, so my apologies in advance. Things have been going pretty smoothly, for the most part, until this week when things sorta hit a wall.

Baby-wise, we're still doing just fine. Everything has been uneventful, which is what you want in pregnancy. Other than more swelling of my feet at the end of the day, my health and energy has been good and stable and I've been able to remain fairly active and mobile. We took our infant safety and CPR class, which was a little long but otherwise went well, and now we've just got baby showers to attend to and the big event itself! It's the rest of life that is producing hiccups in the smooth ride...

We had our meeting with the mortgage officer to try to get preapproved, or at least learn how far away we are from it, and left that meeting feeling confident. The only oddity was that only 2 of the 3 credit bureaus had reports on the hubby. Strange... and now in trying to solve that problem it seems a whole new ball of issues is coming forward. After some research, I learned that apparently back in 2008 there was a new set of rules for determining credit scores, called FICO 08, which didn't really catch on. Or at least that is what evey article I could find said... but my bank is using those newer rules and one of those rules is that they no longer report on the credit of authorized users on a credit card as they are not legally liable for the bill. This basically makes it pointless to have someone as an authorized user since it can really only hurt the primary borrower's score. If there is no benefit then why does the option even still exist?! It makes me mad, since the whole point of putting the hubby on my credit card as an authorized user was to buoy his scores... so now we have to switch him to being a co-borrower instead, which is essentially like applying for a new line of credit, which is what you are generally advised not to do within a year of trying to buy a house since it lowers your scores...  Grrr... so much for transparent credit rules... Granted that this doesn't seem to be a huge road block and that were are still not likely to make a purchase until the fall at the earliest, it does add to the the stress of the whole thing that seemed like it was going so well.

Dragon on a Viking ship - or a metaphor for flames shooting from the mouths enemies

And then there is work... I had a horrible day on friday - complete with a good two hour time span of crying and then trying to regain control and process my thoughts into a coherent fashion in order to find a solution. I'd like to blame the crying on pregnancy hormones but that would be disingenuous. They were out of frustation and anger that is resulting in a meeting with HR on Monday as I'm at my wits end at trying to solve the situation on my own. It is no secret that a coworker of mine and I do not get along well and basically never have. This relationship has only continued to deteriorate over the last several months to the point where communication is now virtually nonexistant - and what ever does happen tends to result in me getting yelled at by the other party. I understand that I can be difficult at times and that I don't always have the best tact, but when I already know that someone never responds well to something that I say I'm not going to intentionally behave in a way that makes things worse; that serves no purpose for anyone involved. It feels like the assumption they are operating under is that everything I say and do is done to undermine them, which is false. So far the solution has been avoidance, but when you work only a few feet from someone every day that strategy only lasts so long... hence why HR is being called in to hash out a different course of action. It is at the very least a hostile work enviroment and at times I would say verbally abusive, especially when my attempts to remedy whatever apparent mistep I took are met with verbal venom. I know I've only got four weeks left before maternity leave, but I don't want to come back to a hostile environment when I'm already going to be super stressed just due to the changes in my personal life. My only hope is that I can control the waterworks during the meeting as I don't want it to appear like I'm trying to manipulate the situation. 

As a result of the horrid friday, I came home, ate a whole box of cookies and laid in bed reading for the entire evening. My husband made dinner and entertained Pico all night, which allowed me to try to distract myself from the aweful task awaiting me on Monday. It still makes me all hot and bothered - and not in any of the perceived good ways. I am left feeling drained and underappreciated.  The hubby says I need to find a new job, and in some ways he is right - I could definately benefit from the mental stretching and a change of pace, but I don't feel like I can without him first having a full time job, especially in light of my health and especially in light of our soon to be born son. The stress of it all just makes me want to cry. Things are not supposed to be this complicated, and yet it seems like they almost always are.

These issues will find resolution; things will get better. I just wish that it didn't take such an emotional and mental toll while in the process of working itself out. Makes me want to go back to bed and start over.

T-Minus 9 weeks and counting

February flew by, as the shortest month of the year should I suppose, but holy cow it's already March! Luckily, we have not been idle since the end of January. In that time a few of the big uncertainties have been fleshed out. We picked up my family heirloom cradle to use for the first few months of impending child's life, bought a dresser of Craig's List that my parents are helping us repair and refinish, had our last ultrasound of the baby - he's looking very human and pretty much will just spend the next few weeks plumping up, and took our childbirth class. Pretty much every weekend has been filled with at least one major to-do item, which helps my stress level but doesn't leave too much chill time. I suspect though that down time will be in short supply for the next few months if not years.

We also have been working to figure out our living situation. We can't stay in our apartment for a whole additional year (the floor plan doesn't suit it even though the square footag does) so we're moving forward simultaneously on both trying to get pre-approved for a mortgage and looking for new apartments. Our landlord has been gracious enough to let us go month-to-month for a little while since we can't move the month our lease is up due to the baby's arrival, plus he's not raising the rent. We just need to try to move out as soon as we can; my goal is by the end of the summer at the latest. Hopefully it will be into something purchased, but if we can't get approved for an amount that would put us in areas that work for us (ie don't force us to get a second car) then we'll look at renting a few years more and trying to save more money. We've got an appointment later in the month to go over our application, but I'm trying to not stress out over the outcome. It will happen eventually, so we'll just take what ever happens with a grain of salt and press forward.

As far as the pregnancy goes, I've been feeling pretty good up until the last week or so. We learned at the ultrasound that he's already head down, and it seems like once that change happened I've been a lot more uncomfortable and a lot less flexible. I'm even considering asking for a referral for a prenatal massage to see if that helps. With a good 2 months left to go if all goes according to plan, I'd prefer not to be in pain. It feels like I've pulled or strained a few muscles in my back trying to get up out of both bed and the couch, so I'm trying to stretch and use better body mechanics when moving. I'm not moving boxes any more at work, resulting in sitting more throughout the day which in turn is causing in more swelling of the feet and ankles by the end of the day due to being more stationary. I just hope that I can keep my activity level up and not get too tired. Riding the bus almost daily helps force me to move around, but I'd prefer to be a little more comfortable while doing so.

Umm.... I think that's really about it. We've got our infant safety class still to take, baby showers to attend, a few more doctors appointments and that pre-approval meeting I had mentioned, but otherwise all planned events are done and out of the way. We now just get to focus on waiting for the arrival of our little man. I just hope that I can handle it with as little intervention as possible just to speed recovery time; I don't do well just resting all day which I hear is the recommendation for about 2-6 weeks with a c-section. Let's just say that is not going to be realistic for our lifestyle... especially the whole part about avoiding going up and down stairs. Our basement apartment makes that a mandatory daily activity no matter what the doctors recommend.

Human Llama Racing to the Finish!

As of this week we are 25/40 weeks into this pregnancy and our food budget is feeling the pinch almost as much as my wardrobe. Between the hubby's non-stop grazing and my increased snacking and the odd craving or two, we are spending soooo much more money on food. For the most part it has been healthy, but there is always in the back of your mind this nagging voice saying "slow the heck down!" I work across the street from a PCC market, which is a high end local and organic co-op market, so the worst of the snack food isn't even an option, but even though I'm buying somewhat healthier snacks I'm still eating and spending a ton. This has got to stop, especially in light of trying to save money for the three months that I'm going to be on leave, for the eventual downpayment of a house, and for the third mouth to feed and clothe.

Llama chowing down. Sometimes I resemble this...

The first half of this pregnancy felt like it crawled by, and now it feels like I have hardly any time left! We've still got almost three months, but I'm crossing off the last month as usable time since I'm unsure how much energy and motivation I'm going to have. I want to get as much done now as possible without rushing things. We took our homebuyer's education seminar last week, are getting ready to open an IRA for the spouse's retirement future, deciding whether or not we're ready to start the pre-approval process for getting a mortgage knowing that there are things we are probably going to need to fix. I spent one night this week completely reorganizing our financial documents and getting ready to complete our taxes once we receive the last W-2. I always try to get them done in February just to get them out of the way.

All of the preparation for the future and examining finances makes it startlingly clear how easy it is to slide into poverty in this country. I refuse to sink into the cycle of only buying the cheapest food available as you will pay for that in the end with the health impacts, but that does mean reprioritzing to make it all work out. We're fine now, but things are definately going to get tighter as the year progresses. Trying to figure out if it is financially better for me to reduce hours to 32-25 instead of 40 after maternity leave to allow the hubs to work more or to basically leave him only the weekends for paid employment. Paying for childcare for an infant is somewhere in the range of $50-$100 more a week than a 1-year old (and even then it is still in the $150-$200 range), so if we can swing it by alternating our schedules for 9 months until his first birthday we'd save a ton, like almost $4000 over 9 months.

We still need to pick up the cradle from my cousin, find a dresser to use as a changing table, figure out clothe or disposable diapers, and look into breast pump rental; since we don't know how long my health will allow breastfeeding since no MS drug is approved for while breastfeeding it doesn't make since to purchase one and potentiall only be able to use it for 2-3 months. Plus there is the delayed christmas that we are having in February when the in-laws get back in the country from Asia - still need to finish the presents for that... 

And then there is work. I'm trying to not freak out since I'm not in a position of authority to control things at all, but I'm concerned about the state of things while I'm gone. We are going through a period of hiring new staff right now and  depending on how long that takes, the new lead at my location may or may not be up to snuff by the time I leave. When I've left in the past, such as for my periodic month off the continent every few years, it always takes me a few weeks to get things caught back up even with people covering my position while gone. That is not to say that my coworkers are incompetent, but there are always things that get over looked that I end up having to clean up once I get back. I'm resisting the urge to make a daily checklist for the position of what you are supposed to do for each task. I feel like my efficiency level is such that I could reduce my hours and get everything done, but I'm not so sure about others. It's probably just my ego talking, or at least I hope it is. I'd rather be proven wrong in this instance.

I suppose that it is perfectly normal to have a mid-pregnancy freak out and this is my month to have it. Luckily everything with the pregnancy itself is going well, although the next big test is coming up in 2 weeks - the dreaded gestational diabetes test. High hopes that it turns out normal, but seeing as how all predictions I've had about the pregnancy have been wrong I'm going to try to leave my expectations at the door.

A Year of Changes

For our little family, 2013 is bound to be different from 2012 for several reasons, some obvious, others not so much.

There is of course the most obvious - the impending birth of our first child this spring. This will no doubt change our lives for the better. Instead of the spouse and rabbit and I, we will now how another noiser mouth to feed, clothe, and cart around with us. I cannot express the level of excitement in the house as we slowly accumulate stuff for our new little man. And yes, that does mean that unless the US was really off, we're having a little boy. I'm still out numbered males to females in the house.

Our camera shy little guy finally gave a decent profile after over an hour

Other highly probable changes due to occur:
We move somewhere new to  accomodate the added human in the household. We're still unsure that we can afford to realistically buy a place in the areas we'd like before the little one is born, but we are trying to get our act together so that if the oppurtunity presents itself we will be able to pounce. We've signed up for a Homebuyers Education Seminar later this month which will earn us a certificate good for 2 years allowing access to lower interest and down payment rates than we'd be able to get without it. Even if we don't buy something, we'll still probably move to a larger rental somewhere hopefully nearby. I'd still like to avoid buying an additional car.

I start on a new MS medication. One big mystery for us is how my immune system will come back post-pardum. That will determine how quickly I need to get back on medication, but I assume that it will more than likely be about 6 months from birth, which would be this coming November. No MS drugs currently on the market are approved for while breastfeeding, so I'd like to avoid going back on something as long as possible but realize that could be anywhere from 3 weeks to 1 year. As a result I need to start researching medications again to try to find the most tolerable. I liked the results I was getting on what I was on previously, but that is no longer an option as I ran out of injection sites.

The hubs starts a new job. With the added mouth to feed, the spouse will most likely be finding either a second part time job or finding one full time job with better pay. This is very much so up in the air, and I have little to no control over any of it, so there's really not much more I can say. We'll see what he finds. I have high hopes for him, but every time I try to push or encourage one direction or another it seems to not really work, so we'll see what happens.

And then there are all of the larger geo-political changes that are going on in the world around us, such as the financial mess caused by our elected officials and our culture of refusing to say no to our wants. It seems like we satisfy our wants while starving our needs. We want to have low taxes, but we also need to ensure that there is a social safety net for those who are unable for a variety of reasons to take care of themselves. Being poor is not a crime and we need to stop penalizing the less fortunate as if they are convicted criminals. The suggestion by many to have mandatory drug testing to receive government assistance won't solve the fraud issue (which when actually investigated is not nearly as rampant as some would have you believe); it will just serve to make people more distrustful of the system. We want to have access to all sorts of firearms as civilians, but we need to take a hard look at our culture of glorifying violence and the tools that allow people to live out those darker tendencies. A firearm may just be a tool for destruction and not in itself able to inflict harm, but the ramifications for those whose carelessness results in someone else taking their tool to commit atrocities are paultry. If I had my way, the registered owner of a weapon that is used for a crime should be able to be charged with aiding and abetting for not properly safeguarding their weapon. It is just a pipe dream of mine, but something has to change.

Life has a funny way of working itself out, and that is without our constant attempts at steering its course. May the new year bring many pleasant surprising and thought provoking challenges.